Heartbreak

An evening of April 2015, I cried as if there were no tomorrow… like a child who lost his most precious belonging, like an athlete whose dream just shattered and like a student who failed in his career-defining exam. It seemed that the world had ended for me and the life around me had come to a standstill. I reached back to the hopelessness that I had once experienced many years back. It was after more than a decade that tears had rolled down my cheeks. Of course, I am a man so no one could see me like that, so it was at my office after everyone had left.  What was it that I cried my eyes out over? What else could it be! The same old nemesis that accounts for majority cases of depression, tears, suicide and murders- a heartbreak. I had just had the most massive heart break, a heart blast, and that too in installments. I would usually scorn over or look down upon someone being a pussy over some person who left him/her, but there I was, myself sobbing like a little girl.  Maybe the fact that I had not cried in so many years added to the intensity, but it was the heartbreak that made me shed a small pond, if not a river. What had happened was that the girl I loved had chosen someone else over me. She had made her choice clear that day and I was left stranded like the sorrowful side-hero of our Bollywood movies who is left crying secretly after the heroine picks the lead hero. In that moment I was mournful, dejected, lonely and felt miserable. Not that I felt I would not get another. I had had more than a fair share of female attention and companionship before and there were other green pastures seeking reciprocity from me, but the point is, for the first time in my life, I felt that I did not want anyone anymore. I always thought that a heartbreak could never happen to me since I never make the first move. All my life, and even in this case, I had reciprocated only after the other person came closer. I fell in love with her more deeply only after she confessed her love for me. It was therefore that I felt somewhat cheated as well. But whatever the case be, the pain was excruciating, more so for a person like me who does everything with passion and has an ‘all or none’ policy in life.  It was as if along with her I lost my ability to feel for someone with the intensity with which I felt for her. It was as if there was something in me that I had always held back for one special person in my life and the person I gave it to returned it with an apology. But I could give it only once, and I did not know how to take it back. I could compare it with Karna’s irony where he saved the weapon he got from Indra all his life to use it on Arjun but ultimately had to waste it on Ghatotkach. 

I am sure the above part of the write-up would ring a bell with most of you. He who hasn’t had a heart break (not just a break up) has missed an imperative, though agonising, experience in life. It’s been one year since then. In fact, I write this on this night exactly one year after the above incident. Clearly, I have not committed suicide. Nor have I taken to drugs or ruined my career. And I have definitely not given up on life, I never do. Rather, I have tried my best to live up to the other roles that I have- son, brother, teacher, friend- with varying degrees of success and failure. Yes, it was extremely hard and I wouldn’t say that I can dismiss it as just a passing incident or that it does not occupy some space in my mind. But I am back to life, living it to the fullest, just as I had been doing before all the above happened. Ironically, it was this ‘living my life to the fullest’ attitude that she admitted she liked in me the most.

A good friend of mine was talking to me about how he is going nuts dealing with his breakup (he got dumped, for a much lowly reason and by a totally worthless girl) and while talking to him I thought of writing this here, hoping that it might just help someone who really needs to read this. So in the following part of the article (and you thought it was about to end!) I will talk about what you (a girl or a boy) need to do once your heart has been stomped upon. There is clearly no easy or short way, so if you are expecting some magic Talisman, read no further! But if you are looking for some direction, what lies ahead might come handy :-)

1. Accept

Accept that it is over. A lot of us subconsciously keep on waiting or harboring that hope that she/he will come back. That somehow someway things will magically fix themselves. Some of us may not even concede that deep down we do wish that things get back to the way they were. Or we will wake up in sometime to learn that it was all a bad dream. Shake it off. Man up and accept it. She is gone and she is not coming back. Tell this to yourself as the strictest parent would tell his child for something that is impossible for him to get for his child. Don’t be a monkey that carries its dead baby. Let her go, she has already gone anyway. Your disbelief would not change the truth. A good way to do this would be to write her a parting note so as to end things on more relieving terms. Forgive the person, hold no grudges, forgive yourself as well. Should you be active friends with the person. My suggestion- Absolutely don’t. At least not till you are totally out of it. And perhaps not even after that. Out of sight works well to get it out of mind. 

2. Decide

The most definite way is to first be willing to get out of it. One usually feels a sense of sadistic pleasure in being a lost lover, sometimes without even knowing it. There is a part of you that wants to remain in the gloom of a lost romantic. So as long as you luxuriate in the despair, you are certainly not getting anywhere near light. I know it is not easy, and there is a great inertia. And it may take some time, sometimes, a lot of time. During this time you would like to listen to slow/melancholic songs. I would listen to Kal Ho Na Ho title track back to back for hours! It’s ok :-) You can give yourself some time. But at some time you have to decide- That’s it. I have to get back to life. Be firm that from this point onwards, she cannot feature in your passwords, you cannot stalk her profile and you cannot read the messages you exchanged. You may sometimes find yourself in a weak moment, but perseverance is the word. Try to get it out of you by doing whatever you think would help- write her a mail, pay her a last visit, shout her name several times at the top of your voice (I did this on Laxman Jhula in Hrishikesh). One of the surest way to get it out it to talk about it in detail with your besties and cry your heart out on their shoulder. 

3. Do your job

There is a code that has helped me be stable in the toughest of times in my life. The code is- No matter how you feel in the morning…get up, dress up and show up. It is for this reason that baring a few very very close ones, no one around me would have even got to know when this phase came and went by in my life. I have taught packed classes with a broken heart and not one student could have had known the turmoil that was there inside me. So do not take leave from your work/college/project and sit home. Not one day. Do not let love suffer because of work, but do implement this policy the other way round too. 

4. Start doing something new

Hit the gym and exercise, join a dance class and sweat, take up some volunteering work and bring smiles, and if nothing else, just go travel to some place you haven’t been to before. If you even remotely know me, you would easily guess which one of these I did  If you have a hobby that you are passionate about, now is the time to pursue it with all the extra time you now have. The point is, you have to put your extra energy and time to something else. As long as you have extra time, you will have thoughts more the time, more the thoughts. Bring the time to zero. And better still if you do it while pursuing something worthwhile. Haven’t we seen movies and read in stories where failing in love becomes the stepping stone for the protagonist’s success!!

5. Set some goals for yourself

Life is like stock trading. Always diversify. Never invest all your money in one stock. If you invest all your money in one stock, and that stock crashes, you would be bankrupt. Similarly, don’t just have a love life and one person as your goal. Have career goals, hobbies-related goals, fitness goals, travel goals, spiritual goals, sex goals (kidding) etc. This way whenever any one or two of these take a hit, others will help you stay afloat.

6. Sleep on time

Do not stay awake till late night unless you are doing something really ‘productive’, pun intended. Somehow night time is when the throwback kicks in, you feel like revisiting the rosy times and relive the moments, which in turn does not let you come out of it. So the simple solution is, sleep early. If you can’t, run for one hour in the evening or exercise hard, your tired body will drive itself to sleep. Force it on you, and in the process you would develop an excellent routine of getting up early in the day and having more light hours!

7. Socialise

I don’t mean to say that you go all out looking to meet as many people as you can. Just don’t be a recluse because that exacerbates it. Make sure you have some company and you have a social life beyond workplace. These are the times that cronies are for (seen Tamasha?).  In fact this could be a good time to make some new friends and know diverse people and learn a few things from others. 

8. Don’t be a desperate (Very Important)

Avoid launching a hunt for someone to quickly replace the previous person. You might start contemplating every other girl you know as a possible replacement and there are very high chances that you will make a bad decision. Instead, take time to heal…life is big and world population is phenomenally high! You will come across many more people.

I would sum up by saying that people move in and move out of your life all the time, don't let their exit decrease the value of the moments you spent with them, for those moments are yours. The spectrum of life is immense and what seems a colossal loss today would look small when you look at your life as a whole. And most importantly, remember that the first person you are supposed to be loyal to is yourself. And losing yourself over someone who lost you is not worth the loss :-)

PS- Though the article has been written from my point of view and therefore uses pronouns accordingly, it is not meant to label either gender with any blanket characteristic…it rather talks about the subject in a gender-neutral spirit.

As always, would love to read your views on my ramblings :-)