It’s been exactly one year. It
was the night of 31st of May 2011 that I was in a train to Pathankot
from where I would board a bus to Dharamsala. I had written my last exam of a
degree that I neither had any interest in nor had any skill for, and thus could
not garner the same numerical value of the accrued credits as most of my
classmates did. Four years of college life had culminated in a glaring nothing.
I certainly did not make many friends while I was in college. However, what
really disheartened me was fact that my life was heading nowhere…in all possible
interpretations of the statement. My academic life ever since high school had
been a series of disasters, one bigger than another. And this continued at
college too. Hence I was at a stage in life where I had no real educational
qualification and very limited employability. The only jobs that I could think
of were those in BPO or of a Medical Representative. Career was not the only
dark aspect of my life. All that could possibly go wrong was wrong. There was nothing
that I could think of and with each day I felt as if I was being sucked in by a
black hole of disappointment and a sense of failure.
Out of an unexplainable state of
mind, I packed my bag with whatever I found handy, collected whatever money I
had and went to the railway station to head to Dharamshala, where a classmate was
posted for his first job. I guess I just desperately wanted to get away from
all the worries and seek some solace in being at least physically away from all
that would tell me that I was in a spot that was far from desirable. I bought
an 80-rupee general bogie ticket and boarded a second class compartment in a
desperate hope that that I may get away with it, no luck here either.
There I was in the train, the
midnight of 31st May 2011…exactly one year back as I write this. I
lay by the window through which the cool breeze could fall onto my face. The
rhythmic noise of the train was lost in the quietness of the night. Vision
could see as far as it could across the sprawling fields. But this serenity, this
tranquility, this reinvigorating atmosphere, this calmness repeatedly caused me
to ponder on all that was wrong in my life. No base to build a career on, no clear
direction to walk in, no educational degree, neither capital nor idea to start
something by myself, hardly any real options. An equally disappointing and saddening tale of
personal relationships. One lost to the realities of life and one to reasons I
was clueless of. I would time and again wonder and try to find some answer to
the question- how did things go this way between me and her when there was
hardly anything wrong? When did it took this turn? Another blow came from him
whom I valued most. Most trusted and loved friend of over a decade had turned
hostile for “love”…classic bollywood plot where an a lascivious seductress robs
a person of his senses to turn him against his own. And she turned out to be
really good. Apart fom all this, we had lost a property-related case. And other
family members were grappling with more pressing concerns.
I had absolutely no idea of where
this train of life was taking me. I wasn't shattered or broken, nor had I
given up on myself, but it was this race of thoughts and flash of images that I
simply could not drive off my mind. I thought thoughtlessly of what all had gone
wrong and where all I was at fault. I pondered haphazardly from personal life
to career to family to lost friends…I just lay and thought for hours, to the
point where my mind got numb. I reached a saturation point where I could not
think any longer…and then I kept thinking. I would always remember that night.
It’s been exactly one year..…I am
about to set my foot in the same train, on the night of the same date, to the same destination…only difference is
that this time my mind is a lot more aligned. No year in my life has been more
generous and prosperous as has been the one from that night to this. I am not
very successful, nor have I found my “ultimate soul-mate” , as they say, nor
have I made peace with my old friend who turned hostile. And I haven’t made any
academic advancement either (not in reality ;)). It’s just that I have realised that no matter
how intricately interwinded, the threads of life do get untangled with time and
though initially the darkness may preclude you from discerning the path ahead, but
if you allow your eyes, your innerself to get acclimatized to the darkness,
you’ll see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just because you presently
do not have answers to your questions doesn't mean that there aren't any. It
may take time but sooner or later one of the two things will happen- either you
will find the answers or the questions would become irrelevant. Most of the
factors that worry us are outright baseless and the remaining ones would either
be solved with time, or be conquered through persistent efforts or be of such
nature that you will learn to live with them. So ultimately, everything passes.
So whatever the present pain be, whatever the dark phase be…remember it is all
a part of a great plan. It is all, as the Vaishnavas believe, the part of a
story HE has written for you. And remember- HE writes only best sellers!!!
